twinky twinky little star(let)

quitting this blog. moving on to LJ…. Good riddance to all the bad rubbish in my life!

new job! let’s start anew…

my eternal favourite screen goddess! never mind the lousy movie….

it’s always easier to just not see each other again. maybe not for-EVER but at least for as long as necessary for feelings to pass into the twilight bliss of forgetfulness - essentially numbed, and healed over keloid-style. stay clear of anything that serves as reminder. that’s the quickest way i know to get better - get lost. but what happens when you can’t do the convenient cowardly thing like run? you’ve got to deal with it. there are reasons why we’ve been advised against seeing people at the work place. because you are screwing with more than bodies, you screw with more than just relationship between two participating individuals, you screw with social dynamics, you screw up your career. you let people down when you do something as unprofessional and irresponsible as walk away now. so you need to bite the bullet. and do the requisite time.

Tonight feels like the air after the rain: clean and clear and tinged with the soft scent of freshly cut grass or something unobtrusively fragrant and soothing…to think I was apprehensive about it all… certain that it’ll be disastrous.

i’ve learnt in no particular order:

1. don’t obsess over beauty. it’ll all pass. and when it’s passed, let it. don’t kid yourself anymore. but never let yourself go without presenting your best. “be yourself, only better”

2. we all have our insecurities. maybe accepting them and admitting them is more gracious and healthy. so what if you’re not perfect…that’s a whole lot better than over-compensating. it’s sad and makes people feel sorry for you.

3. when somebody crosses you, pause and count to 3 at least before u hurl back something u don’t mean just because you’re hurt. think maybe somebody he loved died or something like that. maybe he had a bad childhood, a bad flight or a bad hair day or maybe the boyfriend is cheating behind her back.

4. “money can’t buy happiness but it can buy the misery you prefer”, i read this somewhere. and it’s true!

5. be sincere. nevermind the hurt and the pain. it’ll all pass. this is giving yourself a chance. you don’t know who’s watching you.

i don’t remember everybody’s names.. thanks to yen and bryan for the invite. it’s a great place and great crowd.

last week, i was so drunk friends had to take me home looking at my ID. i NEVER want to get that way again… no, not just fear of rape. i read about a drunk waking up in a tub of ice with his kidneys stolen - yes, both - left to die.

“there’s a line between love and fascination”. Well, there’s a finer thin line between love and hate and last night for a brief quiet moment, i experienced the rage. please, don’t let me go there.
———————
i wish they would ban smoking indoors soon…i’m dying.
———————
in a perverse way, i have sometimes thought about hurt to be a possibly ennobling experience that love-rs(i.e. singular persons experiencing the shit, not to be confused with LOVERS happily paired) should embrace! honestly i think some people invent these lies as some kind of sick self-goading mechanism to drive them lemming asses to their suicidal doom.
———————
“Am i being very bad like that, hanging out with you?”, said the smiling bobcat.
———————
my youngest uncle died of lung cancer earlier this year. under 35. he’s a pub singer. i didn’t go see him off. i think this means i’m officially off the family tree. bad fruit.
———————
last night he was trying to teach me a game called “hearts”. i’m seriously not trying to be poetic. it’s a game for 4 so i sat out and watched him play. i don’t get this game of eliminating suits and dumping hearts. i’m slow at these things. he turned out to be the best player at the table and i was happy for him and quietly proud.
———————
“You don’t know what it’s costing me”, i said.
———————
just now i finally cried. really broke down and cried. out loud. just sitting here holding my face crying, my body shaking and these strange pathetic animal-like sounds coming out of me. i fought to be quiet then it began to feel too much like choking instead so i just had to let go. there’s no one else around but i felt the shame nonetheless, the self-loathing too and i had to keep my face in my hands all through it until i stopped shaking.
———————